You don’t have to be happy to smile

It’s true, you don’t. But it does take some practice. And if you’re sneaky enough to do it right you won’t be smiling because you’re happy, you’ll be uplifted because you’re smiling.

Throughout much of my life I’ve been told to smile even when I didn’t feel like it. When I was in my 20s going through some major depressive episodes that was the advice I often heard. “Smile, you’ll feel better.” I would dutifully crinkle my mouth and pull up my cheeks in an attempt to fight my own feelings of despondency and sadness, resulting in a contorted and painful looking grin. On top of my depression I would also feel frustrated and resentful that I was trying to deny and cover up my true feelings with a fake smile. So then I felt even worse.

That’s because I was doing it wrong. And you might be too.

It can’t be a fight. If you’re trying to fight your feelings, that’s what will show up on your face: a contorted smile reflecting your inner struggle.

Smiling isn’t necessarily always an expression of an inner feeling. Oh my no, sometimes it’s just a movement! It’s like raising your arms above your head. It’s like rolling your shoulders or wiggling your toes. None of those movements will present the same problem because they don’t have much to do with your mood (except they do but that’s not what this post is about). So if you’re feeling unhappy or sad you can still raise your arms, roll your shoulders or wiggle your toes. And you can still smile—you can still do the movement of smiling. But you’ll need to practice it as a movement, not as an expression of a feeling. Smiling is a movement of your entire face: your mouth, your eyes, your eyebrows, your cheeks, your nostrils, your forehead: all of it plus your breath.

If you get stuck thinking you can only smile when you’re feeling happy or joyous then this exercise will have a much harder time working.

If you’re feeling down, your internal critical voice might try to get in your way, saying things like, “This won’t work. Don’t even try it. You might feel worse from doing it so just don’t try anything, just stay right where you are.” That voice thinks you can’t smile. That voice thinks you have to be thinking happy thoughts to smile. You don’t. When I’m very unhappy, formerly joyous thoughts become flat. Puppies are no longer cute and instead stimulate more sadness. So don’t get stuck on what you’re thinking. You’re going to sneak in the movement of smiling and see what happens. You’re not trying to force yourself to be happy. You’re not trying to repress your feelings. You are letting your feelings be fluid. And you are performing an action; you’re acting. We happen to call this particular action smiling.

My partner taught me this trick. He’s an artist and uses it to look great in his headshots. Here’s how to do it:

Look off to the right. Pretend someone you care about just came in the room to your left and unexpectedly called your name. Quickly turn to look at this imaginary person. As you turn your head, widen your eyes, gently raise your eyebrows and lift your cheeks as your mouth opens and lifts to say an excited, “Hi!” Then stop right in the middle of that word with your mouth still slightly open, lips and teeth apart. You’ll be right in the middle of a smile.

Now do it again. And again. And again. The first few times you might get stuck still thinking you can’t smile without feeling happy. Do it enough times for you to realize you’re just performing an action. You’re moving your eyes this way, your eyebrows that way, your lips like this. Once you get into that and let go of fighting your feelings, that’s when a shift occurs.

If you try it and think you look ridiculous, embrace that! Don’t let that silly thought stop you! Embrace your ridiculousness and do this exercise ridiculously. Do I look ridiculous here?

I was not looking forward to this photo shoot. I was nervous going into it. I typically don’t like getting my picture taken. I didn’t know the photographer or several of the other people there. But this turned out pretty damn well, no? And guess what? By the end I felt lighter and easier, just from using this trick.

Finally, I’ll let you in on a secret: I did not wake up bright and cheery this morning. There was a heaviness in my mood that made it difficult to get my day started and particularly challenging to begin writing. I’ve been periodically turning my head and performing a smile all the while I’ve been typing. It’s made this whole process much more enjoyable. I’ve been less critical and feel more hopeful—pretty good stuff that came after the movement of smiling, rather than the other way around.